Man Bathroom Rules

So today while I was sitting in the bathroom at work contemplating whether or not I could crank one out real quick before I went back to my office, something occured to me. There needs to be rules written about how guys are supposed to behave in the bathroom and how men's rooms are to be built. It only makes sense. That way when you're standing at a urinal aiming for the septic-scented pink wafer at the bottom and the guy next to you pipes up and starts talking about the chick he's at the bar with and trying to bone, you would clearly be within your rights to punch him directly in the face, literally with his pants down and everything. It's in the rules man.

1. When selecting a urinal, you must always have a one urinal "buffer zone" on either side of you between yourself and the next person. If every other urinal is in use, you must go all the way to one end of the wall and use the kiddie urinal. Try not to piss on your own shoes.
2. In the event that the bathroom is really full or busy and all of the toilets, sit-downs and urinals alike, are being used, you are not allowed to use one of the stalls to take a shit. We're men dammit, we don't stand on line to pee and you're fucking up the program. If you DO shit whilst others need to piss, we are allowed to laugh at your noisy bodily functions and throw paper towels filled with soap over the dividers and into your stall.
3. From here on out all stalls in all of the bathrooms should be handicapped stalls. I will make someone in a wheelchair shit their pants waiting for me if I'm crapping in one. Men NEVER shit in the little stalls when given the choice between a regular stall and a handicap stall. They're bigger and have railings on the sides. It's like shitting in luxury.
4. Stalls without doors in locker rooms are banned. I don't want to see someone with dropped trou taking a crap while I'm changing to go work out (yeah right.) Neither do I want someone eyeballing me while I'm making my purple face and pinching a loaf.
5. Trough urinals, like the ones that they have at stadiums, are also banned. Nobody likes to stand directly next to a drunken BoSox fan who reeks like sam adams and "clam chowduh" while trying to piss into a large metal trough with one drain in the center of it. The only thing bathroom related more disturbing than having to do that is the fact that you made your mom wipe your ass after a good shit until you were seven.
6. Urinals will all be the full-sized ones that reach all the way to the floor and all of them will have metal dividers that are high enough that you actually can't see the other person's face while they're pissing. Full sized urinals are way cooler because flushing them is like turning on your own personal waterfall for roughly thirty seconds. Dividers are needed because I hate the waist high ones that don't do anything other than make sure that if the guy going next to you has a seizure there's a 22% chance that he won't get any of it on you. Also, being able to smell the breath of the sweaty trucker standing beside you at a rest stop kind of has a tendancy to induce performance anxiety in lots of people. Not me, I'm just saying.
7. Everything in a bathroom should be automatic with motion sensors. Every guy friggin loves to wash his hands in a sink with sensors because we're idiots and are impressed by such things. Sensor technology does need to be improved however, otherwise we just stand around wiggling our hands around under the faucet like a blind four year old attempting sign language.
8. There are no longer allowed to be any baby changing stations in men's rooms. We didn't pop 'em out, we don't have to clean 'em. Besides, women enjoy that shit.
9. All of the floors in bathrooms should be made out of one big drain. That way, when the shemale before us forgets about the operation and pisses all over the floor, we don't have to do the awkward "what the hell is this puddle on the floor" dance. Even if it's only water, we'll stand on our tiptoes and attempt to perch on the only dry tiles left in the area.
10. Any little kid who comes into the bathroom to piss must use a stall if they're going to use the "pull the pants all the way down" stand up and pee method. Obviously they haven't mastered the art yet, and as such shouldn't be allowed to use the "big-boys toilets".

That's all I've got for now. Tune in next week when I'm sure I'll waste another hour or so at work and type another one of these things.