Wedded Bliss

The topic of the weekend is weddings. Namely, that I'm not having one, and everyone else is. Although at one time in my life I had assumed that by now I would either be married or at least planning a wedding (*ahem* awkward pause here) I now realize that the fact that I'm actually not getting married anytime soon is probably a good thing. I wonder if you ever actually sit around and say to yourself, "yep, now's the time. I'm about ready to get hitched." Because I honestly can't say that I feel like I'm ready to commit myself to someone a hundred percent for the rest of my life. This "not readiness" is probably due to the fact that I am technically sans a fiance, or anyone willing to step into that role, but that's another post entirely.

The whole thing about weddings is, they're supposed to be about the people getting married, and granted, they get the most attention that day, but there's a lot of things going on under the surface that nobody really notices. First, on wedding day, any girl who is actually at the wedding and single is furtively glancing around wondering if one of the guys at the wedding is "it." If no male present can fit the bill, they immediately start doing a mental inventory of all of the things with weiners that they know and trying to decide which one they could spend eternity with and hate the least.

Single men at the wedding, are aware of this fact, and generally spend their time getting hammered and hoping that a cute wedding-hopeful female will tag him as "good enough" for the evening. What they don't realize at the time is, "good enough for the evening" actually means, "I want you to bear my children." Single guys should proceede with caution from this point forward.

Couples who happen to be at the wedding, are also going through their own mental olympics. Invariably one of them is sweating profusely and wondering if there's any way to tell the other that, while they enjoy their company, he/she won't be walking down the isle any time soon. At least not with the present company. A second scenario is one when they couple is genuinely happy to be there and to be together and they fully intend to get engaged/married some time in the near future. While you would think otherwise, this is equally as painful as the first scenario for the male half of the equation. Every time the woman's eyes land on something "pretty," which should be a synonym with "expensive," the male is slowly crapping his pants as he realizes how much this is going to cost him. Everything from the cake, to the place settings to the open bar cause him extreme amounts of discomfort because he knows that the girl is making a mental checklist of all of these things and secretly planning something bigger and better for her wedding. (Yeah we're all friends, but I'll be damned if you're flower arrangement is going to have more white roses than mine.)

While all of this is going on, the adults at the wedding are also looking around and trying to decide which of their kids would breed the most successfully with which of the guests present. While love is certainly important, having grandkids without a hook-nose or crow's feet is paramount. That "there are no ugly babies" saying is a myth and we all know it. Everyone has seen an ugly baby. You just don't say anything because the mother of said ugly baby will stab you to death with her stiletto heels in a fit of hormone-induced rage.

The newlyweds probably have it the easiest. The hard part for them is over. Now all they have to do is get through with the formalities, make sure that uncle ron stays away from the open bar, and look forward to a night filled with guilt-free, god-sanctioned christian sex.