Wedded Bliss

The topic of the weekend is weddings. Namely, that I'm not having one, and everyone else is. Although at one time in my life I had assumed that by now I would either be married or at least planning a wedding (*ahem* awkward pause here) I now realize that the fact that I'm actually not getting married anytime soon is probably a good thing. I wonder if you ever actually sit around and say to yourself, "yep, now's the time. I'm about ready to get hitched." Because I honestly can't say that I feel like I'm ready to commit myself to someone a hundred percent for the rest of my life. This "not readiness" is probably due to the fact that I am technically sans a fiance, or anyone willing to step into that role, but that's another post entirely.

The whole thing about weddings is, they're supposed to be about the people getting married, and granted, they get the most attention that day, but there's a lot of things going on under the surface that nobody really notices. First, on wedding day, any girl who is actually at the wedding and single is furtively glancing around wondering if one of the guys at the wedding is "it." If no male present can fit the bill, they immediately start doing a mental inventory of all of the things with weiners that they know and trying to decide which one they could spend eternity with and hate the least.

Single men at the wedding, are aware of this fact, and generally spend their time getting hammered and hoping that a cute wedding-hopeful female will tag him as "good enough" for the evening. What they don't realize at the time is, "good enough for the evening" actually means, "I want you to bear my children." Single guys should proceede with caution from this point forward.

Couples who happen to be at the wedding, are also going through their own mental olympics. Invariably one of them is sweating profusely and wondering if there's any way to tell the other that, while they enjoy their company, he/she won't be walking down the isle any time soon. At least not with the present company. A second scenario is one when they couple is genuinely happy to be there and to be together and they fully intend to get engaged/married some time in the near future. While you would think otherwise, this is equally as painful as the first scenario for the male half of the equation. Every time the woman's eyes land on something "pretty," which should be a synonym with "expensive," the male is slowly crapping his pants as he realizes how much this is going to cost him. Everything from the cake, to the place settings to the open bar cause him extreme amounts of discomfort because he knows that the girl is making a mental checklist of all of these things and secretly planning something bigger and better for her wedding. (Yeah we're all friends, but I'll be damned if you're flower arrangement is going to have more white roses than mine.)

While all of this is going on, the adults at the wedding are also looking around and trying to decide which of their kids would breed the most successfully with which of the guests present. While love is certainly important, having grandkids without a hook-nose or crow's feet is paramount. That "there are no ugly babies" saying is a myth and we all know it. Everyone has seen an ugly baby. You just don't say anything because the mother of said ugly baby will stab you to death with her stiletto heels in a fit of hormone-induced rage.

The newlyweds probably have it the easiest. The hard part for them is over. Now all they have to do is get through with the formalities, make sure that uncle ron stays away from the open bar, and look forward to a night filled with guilt-free, god-sanctioned christian sex.

Man Bathroom Rules

So today while I was sitting in the bathroom at work contemplating whether or not I could crank one out real quick before I went back to my office, something occured to me. There needs to be rules written about how guys are supposed to behave in the bathroom and how men's rooms are to be built. It only makes sense. That way when you're standing at a urinal aiming for the septic-scented pink wafer at the bottom and the guy next to you pipes up and starts talking about the chick he's at the bar with and trying to bone, you would clearly be within your rights to punch him directly in the face, literally with his pants down and everything. It's in the rules man.

1. When selecting a urinal, you must always have a one urinal "buffer zone" on either side of you between yourself and the next person. If every other urinal is in use, you must go all the way to one end of the wall and use the kiddie urinal. Try not to piss on your own shoes.
2. In the event that the bathroom is really full or busy and all of the toilets, sit-downs and urinals alike, are being used, you are not allowed to use one of the stalls to take a shit. We're men dammit, we don't stand on line to pee and you're fucking up the program. If you DO shit whilst others need to piss, we are allowed to laugh at your noisy bodily functions and throw paper towels filled with soap over the dividers and into your stall.
3. From here on out all stalls in all of the bathrooms should be handicapped stalls. I will make someone in a wheelchair shit their pants waiting for me if I'm crapping in one. Men NEVER shit in the little stalls when given the choice between a regular stall and a handicap stall. They're bigger and have railings on the sides. It's like shitting in luxury.
4. Stalls without doors in locker rooms are banned. I don't want to see someone with dropped trou taking a crap while I'm changing to go work out (yeah right.) Neither do I want someone eyeballing me while I'm making my purple face and pinching a loaf.
5. Trough urinals, like the ones that they have at stadiums, are also banned. Nobody likes to stand directly next to a drunken BoSox fan who reeks like sam adams and "clam chowduh" while trying to piss into a large metal trough with one drain in the center of it. The only thing bathroom related more disturbing than having to do that is the fact that you made your mom wipe your ass after a good shit until you were seven.
6. Urinals will all be the full-sized ones that reach all the way to the floor and all of them will have metal dividers that are high enough that you actually can't see the other person's face while they're pissing. Full sized urinals are way cooler because flushing them is like turning on your own personal waterfall for roughly thirty seconds. Dividers are needed because I hate the waist high ones that don't do anything other than make sure that if the guy going next to you has a seizure there's a 22% chance that he won't get any of it on you. Also, being able to smell the breath of the sweaty trucker standing beside you at a rest stop kind of has a tendancy to induce performance anxiety in lots of people. Not me, I'm just saying.
7. Everything in a bathroom should be automatic with motion sensors. Every guy friggin loves to wash his hands in a sink with sensors because we're idiots and are impressed by such things. Sensor technology does need to be improved however, otherwise we just stand around wiggling our hands around under the faucet like a blind four year old attempting sign language.
8. There are no longer allowed to be any baby changing stations in men's rooms. We didn't pop 'em out, we don't have to clean 'em. Besides, women enjoy that shit.
9. All of the floors in bathrooms should be made out of one big drain. That way, when the shemale before us forgets about the operation and pisses all over the floor, we don't have to do the awkward "what the hell is this puddle on the floor" dance. Even if it's only water, we'll stand on our tiptoes and attempt to perch on the only dry tiles left in the area.
10. Any little kid who comes into the bathroom to piss must use a stall if they're going to use the "pull the pants all the way down" stand up and pee method. Obviously they haven't mastered the art yet, and as such shouldn't be allowed to use the "big-boys toilets".

That's all I've got for now. Tune in next week when I'm sure I'll waste another hour or so at work and type another one of these things.

First Post

So this is it. The beginning of what I'm sure will be a wildly successful tale of internet celebrity littered with money, women, booze and rife with regrets. Or, probably just an anonymous rant in an obscure tucked-away corner of the internet.

Remember back in the day when "blogs" were still cool and hadn't become yet another catchphrase that makes my ears bleed. (If someone uses 'uber' in a sentence around me one more time, so help me I'm uberly going to uber kick their uber-ugly ass.) I'm talking about freshman year when we all found "the best page in the universe," thought that Maddox was a comic genius, and immediately opened up a xanga account so that we too could achieve mediocre levels of internet celebrity within the beer-guzzling college circles. So full of youth, vigor and cheap vodka were we. Now here we are all looking down the barrel of responsibility at the bullet named "adulthood" and praying to god that we figure out what the hell we do with ourselves to earn money before someone pulls the trigger.
Screw that. I like pointless internet-based rambling. It's like the pulp fiction version of real literature. Sure we're all writing stuff down, but it's only entertaining for one read through and then it's over. Nobody's going to be saving this for the future generations of America to learn from,
and I don't care.

On a much more lighthearted note, I'm going to wander aimlessly around the hallway and hope that I bump into the cute girl who works at the law firm on our floor.